This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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