I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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