Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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