Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
