We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
