When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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