"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
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