I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
