Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize