two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
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