you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
