I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
