i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
