I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
And then the night went full on bisexual.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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