please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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