What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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