im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
