can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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