NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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