i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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