I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
