Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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