I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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