I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Everclear isn't food dammit
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
Randomize
