i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Randomize
