Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
