I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
