i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
