new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
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