and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
