Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
