this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You ruined the universe
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
