I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
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