The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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