I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
