Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
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