I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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