Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
