I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
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