Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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