The maid of honor just puked.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
