i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
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