There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
