I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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