We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
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He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
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