We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
All I want is dick and wine.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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