Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Randomize
