I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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