Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
