Apparently you make a good broom.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
