i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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