I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Randomize
