the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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