girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Randomize
