Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
