walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
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I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
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We don't watch enough power rangers
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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