I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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