My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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