Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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